Tuesday, May 25

More jokes.


I know all those.

How about:

What's red and black and can't turn around in a telephone booth?

A nun with a javelin through her head.

What do you call a red-headed test-tube baby?

Bozo the Clone.

Scott Lynch dies on Monday and goes to Hell. Satan meets him at the gate. "Hey, Scott, great to see you. Come on in!"
Scott looks around. It's the Tropicana meets Club Med. He starts thinking, Hey, this atheism shit worked out pretty good. He says, "What's it like around here?"
Satan says, "You like gambling?"
"Oh, you're gonna love Tuesday. No limit, any games you want, and you never lose. You like good food?"
"Yeah, who doesn't?"
"Great. Wednesday is gourmet night. Any cuisine, the greatest chefs in history, and you never get full and you don't gain an ounce. You like drinking?"
Scott's thinking, How lucky can I get? He says, "Of course!"
"Oh, Thursday'll be your favorite. Cognac, single malts, small batch bourbon, microbrews, drunk as you want and you never get sick and there's no hangover. How about girls? You like girls?"
Scott's thinking, can it get any better? He says, "Sure, girls, bring'em on."
Satan says, "Friday will be great for you. It's that Muslim Paradise. Endless virgins. And you're hard for all eternity."
Scott says, "Great! Holy shit, I'm glad I went to Hell!"
Satan's right with him. "And we're glad to have you! By the way, how do you feel about being boned up the ass with a dildo made of red-hot barbwire?"
Scott (wincing): "Um, I'm not really into that."
Satan. "Oh. Well, tonight's gonna be a problem, then."
Scott swallows hard.
Satan shrugs apologetically. "And, um, Scott buddy? In Hell, it's ALWAYS Monday."


Scott Lynch said...

So, Matt Stover goes to Hell and the Devil greets him personally as he arrives. "I've got good news and bad news, Matt ol' buddy," says the Devil. "The bad news is that you've earned eternal damnation because you didn't write Caine Black Knife fast enough. The good news is that you have a chance to choose how you'll spend your everlasting torment. Follow me, please."

The Devil takes Matt on a guided tour past room after room of horrible tortures and mind-bending depravities. In one room, a guy chained to a bed of nails is having his genitals eaten off by a swarm of fire ants. In another, a guy is having all the blood in his body replaced with molten salt. Matt passes on hundreds of available tortures, until he finally comes to a room that makes his eyes snap wide open. In it, a guy chained to a wall is moaning with pleasure as he receives an enthusiastic blow job from the most vivacious redhead Matt has ever seen.

"This one doesn't look too bad," Matt says.

"Outstanding choice!" The Devil says. Grinning, he strides into the room and pats the redhead on the shoulder. "Excellent news, hon. Matt's gonna be taking over for you here."

Anonymous said...

Good one. And one I didn't already know, forsooth!

Bob said...

Oh that's just not even close to being right.