Maledicta

There used to be a magazine -- I don't knw it it still exists -- called "Maledicta," Latin for Evil (or Dirty) Talk.

They were dedicated to preserving the most brutally unacceptable of all the jokes one should not tell among strangers. I hope they're still out there. Evil sadistic half-smothered snickering is a part of human experience that should not be extinguished.


Off the top of my head:

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
-- A pair of Dobermans.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
-- Skidmarks in front of the skunk.

A doctor, a lawyer and a priest take a troop of Boy Scouts out fishing. A storm blows up, and the boat starts to sink.
The doctor says, "We have to save the boys!"
The lawyer says, "Fuck the boys."
The priest says, "You think we have time?"

A Texan sits down on a flight to London next to another white guy. He says, "We'all's gonna be together for twelve hours, we might as well get to know each other. My name's Brown. That's BROWN, spelled B-R-O-W-N, I'm a Texan and I'm white from head to goddamn toe, and I hate all spics, wops, kikes and blacks, and above all else on God's Green Earth, I hate the fuckin' Irish. Who're you?"
His seatmate says, "Pleezta meetcha. My name's Seamus Shaughnessy, and I, too, am white from head to goddamn toe -- except for me rectum, which is brown. That's brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N."

"Mizziz Fitzpatrick! Oh, the calamity! Yer Paddy's gone on the Guinness brewery tour, and he's gone and fallen into the great gi'nt vat!"
"Oh, saints have marcy! Is he drownded, then?"
"We think not, Mizziz -- he's come out three times to pee."

What do Italian cars with four flat tires sound like?
-- Dago wop wop wop wop.

Why do Mexicans grow mustaches?
-- They want to look like their mothers.

How many African-Americans does it take to blacktop a driveway?
-- Depends on how thin you slice 'em.

Ever hear about the Greek boy who left home because he didn't like the way he was being reared?
He came home because he couldn't bear to leave his brothers behind.

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the counter and says, "Five pounds of Polish sausage, please."
The guy behind the counter says, "Are you Polish?"
The customer gets huffy. "That's damn rude. If I walked in here and asked for five pounds of German potato salad, would you ask me if I'm German?"
Counterguy: "Uh, nope."
Customer: "If I asked for five loaves of French bread, would you ask me if I'm French?"
Counterguy: "No, it's not like that --"
Customer: "Then maybe you could explain to me just where the hell you get the goddamn gall to ask me if I'm Polish just because I ordered five pounds of Polish sausage!"
Counterguy: "This is a hardware store."

What do the numbers 1492 and 1776 have in common?
-- They're adjoining rooms in the Warsaw Hilton.

What do you call a Kentucky girl who can run faster than any of her brothers?
-- A virgin.

What's the difference between a Indiana farm girl and a beached whale?
-- Forty pounds and a flannel shirt.

How is Yoko Ono like Ethiopian children?
-- They both live off dead beetles. (say it out loud, knucklehead)

And, being of Scots ancestry, one of my personal all-time favorites:

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
-- Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.



Feel free, now, to flame my politically-insensitive ass.