Tuesday, June 1


There used to be a magazine -- I don't knw it it still exists -- called "Maledicta," Latin for Evil (or Dirty) Talk.

They were dedicated to preserving the most brutally unacceptable of all the jokes one should not tell among strangers. I hope they're still out there. Evil sadistic half-smothered snickering is a part of human experience that should not be extinguished.

Off the top of my head:

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
-- A pair of Dobermans.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
-- Skidmarks in front of the skunk.

A doctor, a lawyer and a priest take a troop of Boy Scouts out fishing. A storm blows up, and the boat starts to sink.
The doctor says, "We have to save the boys!"
The lawyer says, "Fuck the boys."
The priest says, "You think we have time?"

A Texan sits down on a flight to London next to another white guy. He says, "We'all's gonna be together for twelve hours, we might as well get to know each other. My name's Brown. That's BROWN, spelled B-R-O-W-N, I'm a Texan and I'm white from head to goddamn toe, and I hate all spics, wops, kikes and blacks, and above all else on God's Green Earth, I hate the fuckin' Irish. Who're you?"
His seatmate says, "Pleezta meetcha. My name's Seamus Shaughnessy, and I, too, am white from head to goddamn toe -- except for me rectum, which is brown. That's brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N."

"Mizziz Fitzpatrick! Oh, the calamity! Yer Paddy's gone on the Guinness brewery tour, and he's gone and fallen into the great gi'nt vat!"
"Oh, saints have marcy! Is he drownded, then?"
"We think not, Mizziz -- he's come out three times to pee."

What do Italian cars with four flat tires sound like?
-- Dago wop wop wop wop.

Why do Mexicans grow mustaches?
-- They want to look like their mothers.

How many African-Americans does it take to blacktop a driveway?
-- Depends on how thin you slice 'em.

Ever hear about the Greek boy who left home because he didn't like the way he was being reared?
He came home because he couldn't bear to leave his brothers behind.

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the counter and says, "Five pounds of Polish sausage, please."
The guy behind the counter says, "Are you Polish?"
The customer gets huffy. "That's damn rude. If I walked in here and asked for five pounds of German potato salad, would you ask me if I'm German?"
Counterguy: "Uh, nope."
Customer: "If I asked for five loaves of French bread, would you ask me if I'm French?"
Counterguy: "No, it's not like that --"
Customer: "Then maybe you could explain to me just where the hell you get the goddamn gall to ask me if I'm Polish just because I ordered five pounds of Polish sausage!"
Counterguy: "This is a hardware store."

What do the numbers 1492 and 1776 have in common?
-- They're adjoining rooms in the Warsaw Hilton.

What do you call a Kentucky girl who can run faster than any of her brothers?
-- A virgin.

What's the difference between a Indiana farm girl and a beached whale?
-- Forty pounds and a flannel shirt.

How is Yoko Ono like Ethiopian children?
-- They both live off dead beetles. (say it out loud, knucklehead)

And, being of Scots ancestry, one of my personal all-time favorites:

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
-- Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Feel free, now, to flame my politically-insensitive ass.


Bob said...

Ooh, you're going to hell for that!

Scott Lynch said...

It's the day after Germany's surrender at the end of World War II. The American guards at a camp holding hundreds of German POWs are in an expansive mood. The prisoners propose an afternoon baseball game, Germans versus Americans, and the Americans happily accept.

The prisoners and the guards manage to scrounge up just enough equipment to play a halfway decent game, and they slug it out for a good three hours. The contest is closer than anyone expected, and when the final out comes the unthinkable has happened. The German prisoners have beaten their American captors 5-4.

The Germans are ecstatic, running around, waving their arms and shouting. The Americans take their defeat with bemusement rather than anger. Curious, and more than a little annoyed, one of the German officers approaches an American guard and says, "Can you believe it? How can you be so blase? We beat you at your national pastime!"

The guard shrugs and says, "Well, that's just fine by me, motherfucker. After all, we already beat you at yours."

fishi said...

I wish I had more friends to share these jokes with.

Anonymous said...

What do you a tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

Luke said...

I can enjoy un-PC jokes but whoever wrote that last one is a fuckhead.

Scott Lynch said...

Don't worry, Fishi. Telling jokes like this is probably not the most efficient way to *gain* friends anyway.

And hey! I forgot this one...

There's this sultry young redhead, the hottest little number you ever saw, and she wants to be an actress. She moves to Los Angeles and waits tables, and does the whole Beautiful Wannabe thing.

She wants to be in films so desperately that she's prepared to sleep her way into roles. But she's dumb, right? Dumb as a fucking box of hammers.

Just how dumb is she, you ask?

She sleeps with a *writer.*

MWS said...

Ever hear the one about the dancer who was so stupid the other dancers noticed?

djcati said...

*sniggers loudly at the last one*

Anonymous said...

Check this site out. Not jokes exactly, but I couldn't help but laugh at it anyway:



GhentZ said...

Matt, you talking about this magazine?

I ran across it some years back, thanks for the reminder. Good stuff.

The latest issue, #13, goes on sale this summer. Don't know if that's still on-schedule. Check out the table of contents and interesting backstory on the guy who runs the joint.